Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
