everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
