The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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