Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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