walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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