I wanna passion pit in your ass
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
