You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
