paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
