i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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