the condom got lost in my hair
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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