Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
