Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
