Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
