does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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