Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
COCAINE IS GR8
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
