Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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