I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
