You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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