And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
