I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
