So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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