made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
