How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
