You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
