omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
