so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
