you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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