I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
