Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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