??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
This toilet bowl is my home.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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