getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
