I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
