ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
