Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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