I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
