my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
