i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
