it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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