I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
my vag is so smooth its legendary
time to smoke my breakfast
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
