We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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