Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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