I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
