youre lurking in front of me
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
