I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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