i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
