Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
