this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
