he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
