you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
