Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
