Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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